As I walked down the hallway to Lisa’s room, I felt gratitude to see her and to have a gift to offer. I also felt gratitude that hospitals feel familiar and for having skills and experience that allow me to serve.
Lisa and I have been friends for 30 years. She’s been living with cancer much of that time. Recently she was moved from home into a nearby hospital for hip replacements and is now between surgeries.
Before entering the room I paused, took a breath, said hello at the door before pulling back the curtain and with permission entered. I was introduced to Lisa’s sister then excused myself, washed my hands, and sat and shared in some childhood history.
When Angela [the nurse] entered I introduced myself, explained that I had come to offer Lisa a touch session, and asked if there was any information that she felt I needed to know. With a short conversation about my professional touch background, Angela felt easy about the offering and I felt well informed.
When Lisa’s sister left I pulled my stool up to the bedside. As I was about to begin, a visitor named Jeannie came in and offered to leave to give us privacy but we invited her to stay and be a conscious presence in the room.
As I proceeded to tenderly stroke Lisa’s leg she went into deep relaxation enabling her nervous system to release tension through tiny jerks and twitches. The mouth relaxed and the jaw opened and closed in subtle movements. Her whole body responded as if a tight cord were unraveling .
Every once in a while I would include Jeannie with eye contact and we would share facial animation. Jeannie was moved with the depth of relaxation she was witnessing.
Feeling Lisa’s upper body calling me, I moved to her shoulder and simply began to pet her oh so slowly . Just letting her chest and shoulder know they were safe; they were noticed. In it’s own right it was an embrace, an intimate expression of my affection without needing Lisa to respond.
Lisa drifted into a deep sleep. Her arms responded by raising slightly; a subtle dance of release.
Finished, I sat and breathed for 3 or 4 minutes to allow integration of the session before stating that I was going to wash my hands.
Perfect timing. The door opened and it was Angela to take vitals, then someone from the kitchen to remove the tray.
I said goodbye. Jeannie and I hugged and acknowledged our intimate experience in silence. As I left, she took her place at the bedside.
As I walked to the elevator I once again felt gratitude for the skills to be of service to my friends in such an intimate way. It seems that all the years of professional practice have been so I can simply participate in my life fully. Lisa is one of two 30-year friends now in advanced stages of illness.
Do you feel more equipped to be with your ill friends and family because of your chosen field? Are you using your skills professionally or as a skilled friend?
I’d really like to hear from you!
Blessings and Gratitude
Irene Smith
www.everflowing.org
Yes. I do feel more equipped but I wouldn’t go as far as saying I am always entirely equipped or am ready for every unanticipated or unexpected thing that may come my way.
I will say, though, having grown up with a family & culture of which touch was not a natural response or means of expression, learning & providing the art of touch has been an enormous gift. A gift to all who receive my touch & a gift to myself for having learned & developed the gift of compassionate & skilled touch for them to receive. It’s been a very rewarding skill to have, and has been very beneficial for the “ill friend” or “family” or client at a moments notice.
Thanks Irene for sharing your story & thoughts.
Love,
Janice
Left by Janice on August 12th, 2010
I definitely feel that I am more equipped to show up for friends and family who are experiencing illness. This has been a blessing, and also feels redemptive in a way because there were so many times in years past, before my training and experience in hospice care, I felt incapable of showing up for illness and grief when it came to my dearest ones. I simply didn’t know how to be with any of it, not really.
Lately I’m troubled in this area, specifically in working with a terminal illness in my immediate family. In my work as a massage provider for ill and dying persons, I often feel that I provide a teaching for others, or a bridge of understanding for loved ones in how to “be” with the dying individual. This is richly rewarding! Within my family I feel lonely because I’m the only one with this training. “Teaching” is not necessarily appropriate. There isn’t a common language or common understanding. I’m not getting what I need from others, and it’s resulting in some very deep work around boundaries and letting go. Not easy. Not easy to look at a family member who’s freaking out and be completely helpless.
As my dear loved one slides into advanced dementia, I’m discovering that it requires a constant state of presence. And isn’t that the essence of this work? When I’m truly present there is no frustration, irritation, anger, resentment, or anything, but love. Any capacity I have to practice being present comes absolutely from mindfulness practices, including and especially hospice body work experience, so it’s not a huge stretch! But I can’t teach this within my family. It’s just a bunch of theory. I have to let it go, and it’s difficult, and lonely. Still sweet and satisfying with our “patient” and I wouldn’t trade it, but I’m troubled in my family relations. I know that I am modeling, but it’s not satisfying.
So yes, this is a huge blessing, and at the moment, a mixed blessing! Has anyone else had this experience?
Left by Elizabeth on September 28th, 2010