Everflowing

As I walked down the hallway to Lisa’s room, I felt gratitude to see her and to have a gift to offer. I also felt gratitude that hospitals feel familiar and for having skills and experience that allow me to serve.

Lisa and I have been friends for 30 years. She’s been living with cancer much of that time. Recently she was moved from home into a nearby hospital for hip replacements and is now between surgeries.

As I walked down the hallway to Lisa’s room, I felt gratitude to see her and to have a gift to offer. I also felt gratitude that hospitals feel familiar and for having skills and experience that allow me to serve.

Before entering the room I paused took a breath, said hello at the door before pulling back the curtain and with permission entered. I was introduced to Lisa’s sister then excused myself, washed my hands, and sat and shared in some childhood history.

When Angela [the nurse] entered I introduced myself, explained that I had come to offer Lisa a touch session, and asked if there was any information that she felt I needed to know. With a short conversation about my professional touch background, Angela felt easy about the offering and I felt well informed.

When Lisa’s sister left I pulled my stool up to the bedside. As I was about to begin, a visitor named Susie came in and offered to leave to give us privacy but we invited her to stay and be a conscious presence in the room.

As I proceeded to tenderly stroke Lisa’s leg she went into deep relaxation enabling her nervous system to release tension through tiny jerks and twitches. The mouth relaxed and the jaw opened and closed in subtle movements. Her whole body responded as if a tight cord were unraveling .

Every once in a while I would include Susie with eye contact and we would share facial animation. Susie was moved with the depth of relaxation she was witnessing.

Feeling Lisa’s upper body calling me, I moved to her shoulder and simply began to pet her oh so slowly . Just letting her chest and shoulder know they were safe; they were noticed. In it’s own right it was an embrace, an intimate expression of my affection without needing Lisa to respond.

Lisa drifted into a deep sleep. Her arms responded by raising slightly; a subtle dance of release.

Finished, I sat and breathed for 3 or 4 minutes to allow integration of the session before stating that I was getting up to wash my hands.

Perfect timing. The door opened and it was Angela to take vitals, then someone from the kitchen to remove the tray.

I said goodbye. Susie and I hugged and acknowledged our intimate experience in silence. As I left, she took her place at the bedside.

As I walked to the elevator I once again felt gratitude for the skills to be of service to my friends in such an intimate way. It seems that all the years of professional practice have been so I can simply participate in my life fully. Lisa is one of two 30-year friends now in advanced stages of illness.

Do you feel more equipped to be with your ill friends and family because of your chosen field? Are you using your skills professionally or as a skilled friend?

I’d really like to hear from you!

Blessings and Gratitude

Irene Smith

www.everflowing.org

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Last week while preparing for a presentation on listening, I leaned back in my chair at the computer wondering what story I could tell about listening deeply. Not just involuntary hearing but truly listening to the meaning of the words. Listening with my heart as well as my ears.

My heart burst open and I started to cry. I heard my mother say “I made soup.

“My mother had severe crippling arthritis, scoliosis and heart disease. Her physician was an osteopath and she combined acupuncture, herbs, supplements and homeopathic medicine in her health care. She never went to the hospital .She would simply stay in bed for days at a time.

Cooking was very painful for mother so friends would bring food or take her out to eat most of the time. This was her program for the last 20 years of her life.

 In her last few months every time mother called me she would say “honey, I made vegetable soup. It’s so good!”

My response was always , “Great Mom.” I actually remember being somewhat bored by these conversations and not really interested in her soup.

I harbored a well of anger with my mother and didn’t work through that before she died. It clouded all our communication.

Last week, 16 years later I got it. “I Made Soup”meant, honey I’m out of bed today; Im feeling strong and I was able to cut vegetables. It’s a glorious day!”

 ” I Made Soup” was a statement of mother’s courage and independence and her ability to push through her suffering .

  Deep Listening is a practice and a philosophy developed by Pauline Oliveros. It is said in this practice that listening deeply requires the temporary suspension of judgment and a willingness to receive new information. It is a process of learning.

 Truly listening allows us to not only hear what someone says and, what they think, but allows us the understanding of what it means to them and why it matters. There is perhaps no greater way to show our respect than to truly listen to someone.

Many blessings and please share your listening stories . Your stories mean so much to the community.

 Irene smithwww.everflowing.org

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Over the years I have been blessed three times by the appearance of very large birds perching on the back deck of my attic apartment. Each time the sudden shadow of large wings has occurred during my morning yoga.

This morning my deck was shaded by the shadow of wings. I focused and held my breath as these wings slowly grounded a large crane onto the deck’s thin wooden railing twenty feet from me.

This magnificent being became completely still as time stopped to allow me the visual impression of extraordinary elegance and ease.

With its long neck  stretched out, the head moved in slow motion to survey the terrain in all directions.

Then the gaze settled directly into my bedroom.

 We made eye contact. I did not move. I shifted my breath into my pelvic floor and held the trunk of my body in total stillness. The moment seemed endless. There was only the mirror of gazing into a river held motionless in time.

 Then I felt my arms rise over my head in prayer position, then lower to my chest with head bowed. I am so blessed to have this omen, this physical presence of peace before me.

As this spirit departed, wings once again sheltered my deck. I went to the door and watched as the physical presence of this magnificent bird soared beyond the trees in the distance.

As in the past I looked up crane /or egret in my animal spirits book. The native meaning is peace, harmony, good luck, and/or the end of conflict.

This is a time of great change for me…a time of letting go of struggling in my life and opening to a greater depth of surrender. I am ever so grateful to the universe for this beautifully orchestrated symbol of being on a path of greater harmony.

 I express my gratitude for the wisdom to hear spirit.

 Please do share your spirit stories.

Blessings Irene smith www.everflowing.org

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A Comma Problem

Blogging has become much too serious. I joined this format so I could share my passion and wisdom late at night when the creativity and time to share comes around.

The world however wants perfection. My passion runs wild . So wild that I have been informed that I need an editor for everything.

Last week while posting a paragraph on a forum I was told that I have a COMMA PROBLEM. Yes, A COMMA PROBLEM. Also, that sometimes I have a SPACE PROBLEM.

It was my  former editor that was very seriously telling me this. At first I was serious as well. However, after a few moments of horror, I burst out laughing.

I doubt that on my death bed I will look at my angels and state’ If only I had fixed my comma problem.’

Is there no one out there that can hear me through the need for administrative perfection?

Is punctuation the beginning and end of it all? Doesn’t passion and, oh yes, experience ,mean anything?

By the time I  revise the post several times[ which can actually take a week] it has become work.

Oh yes, my posts are great but they have become stories, articles, edited paragraphs that delete the reason I want to blog. I have books, articles and stories. That’s work. I want more . I want spontaneity!!

So this feels like a post!

I’m pushing the button .!!!!!!!!!!!

Im begging for your compassion!

Can you accept my wisdom with a few space and comma problems?

I look forward to your comments

Blessings Irene Smith www.everflowing.org

The above blog post is in no way meant to discredit my current editor. She is a treasure and I am blessed with her support. Id be lost without her!!!!!!!!1    Irene smith

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Reading the Massage Magazine special issue on pain relief I am reflected into how working with pain differs in my hospice massage practice from more traditional modalities.

A couple of months ago I was working with an intern at an inpatient hospice. We went in to see a woman with cerebral palsy who was not on our list of referrals.

Sabrina had spent most of her life in hospital wards. Her body was a roadmap of surgeries and called out loudly for tenderness.

Sabrina spoke of her legs and back being in great pain. She continued to speak of her discomfort as I positioned myself sitting comfortably at the foot of her bed. As I slowly lifted the sheet to assess her right leg my heart shed a tear for the dwarfed limb that was exposed.

I cupped my hand around the thigh and softly spoke, ” I am honored to offer this limb some tenderness….I feel your leg loves the attention…. I’m so glad we’re here.”

While gently holding and tenderly petting this leg Sabrina replied, “If someone had done that years ago I might still be at home.“ I covered the leg as Sabrina asked me to touch her back.

Although she was in a lot of pain she requested that a nurse position her onto her side so I could touch the exact spot.

After positioning was completed I sat comfortably behind Sabrina on her bed, uncovered her back and with Sabrina’s permission I came very close. With one hand slipped under her head pillow as to hold her, I simply laid my other hand on her back and said, “Oh, I know you have been in pain for a long time. I’m so glad we’re here.” As I became comfortable I could feel Sabrina going to sleep.   Before the room fell  silent she expressed  her gratitude. Sabrina’s pain had been validated.

 After a couple of minutes I slowly removed my hand from underneath her pillow and changed places with my intern.

The Everflowing intention is never to remove pain from someone’s body. The intention is to validate and honor the symptomology that is being experienced, and to create an environment where the client’s anxiety about having pain can be eased.

We are in a culture that insists that pain is something we have to get rid of. We essentially make pain wrong therefore when pain appears we are afraid of it getting worse. We defend ourselves, and hold ourselves tightly. We want the pain to go away. This directs a profound degree of energy to the pain, and creates anxiety.

As an Everflowing practitioner, I want to create a resting place as I walk into a room or up to someone’s bed. A place of stillness first, and then a place of very gentle movement like a breeze or a soft wave of water as the tactile relationship begins. A place where there is no resistance. A vulnerable place.

This is achieved through slow body movement, slow speech, slow audible breathing, and a willingness to find my own place of physical comfort. I am just a witness.

This resting place, this alternative rhythm, eases a lot of tension in the room. The atmosphere appears to be more spacious. The client might experience a feeling of less pressure and find a greater level of comfort. .

If I can stay grounded and comfortable in body and mind then the static and resistance has been broken. The cycle has to reestablish itself. This change in the pain cycle can cause a decrease in the pressure being experienced by the client and give the client an alternative strategy for coping with the pain.

Pain is multidimensional when someone is dying and may be my client’s most familiar response to his or her condition. I cannot assume that alleviating it is the kindest strategy. I feel I must validate the existing relationship and give models for reestablishing a more compassionate communication with one’s self and one’s environment.

 This is the Everflowing approach to pain. I look forward to your sharing your approaches and stories.

 BlessingsIrene Smith Www.everflowing.org

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The skill of letting go of a massage relationship when a client is dying is as important as the skill in the touching.

In early December I received a referral to see a woman with stage 4 cancer. She had a prognosis of less than 2 months.

She was a hospice client, at home being cared for by her family.

I was told the client was having a great deal of pain and depression.

The first time I visited Joan, her response to the massage was very strong. She loved the touch, the interaction, and the feeling of what she called floating.

When her family called to schedule a second appointment they explained that Joan had been energized for 3 days and had accomplished many tasks including planning a birthday party.

She wanted to have a gathering while she was still alive to share with her friends how much they had meant to her.

The family scheduled the massage for the morning of the party. They wanted Joan to be energized for her birthday.

When Joan’s brother picked me up early Saturday morning he was on the phone with a family member who was at Joan’s bedside.

Joan was having difficulty breathing. Her temperature was up and she was unable to speak. She had entered a different phase of her dying process.

The family was gathered around Joan’s bed, waiting for me to come hoping that the massage would energize Joan so she could have her party.

We started our journey to the house.

There were five family members sitting around the bed , all in individual states of suffering. I was given a seat at the head of the bed .

Joan ‘s breathing was like a fish out of water. She was actively dying.

I knew the family needed to see me touch their beloved

Silence became a dear friend as I sat and looked around the bed at each family member. Their love and openness provided my grounding as I took a long gentle breath and spoke to Joan.

I told her I had come to provide her a touch session.

Observing Joan’s body movement, I spoke to her breath,” easy breath, moving in and from the belly. So easy, so relaxed, so open .”

I spoke slowly and softly while gently touching the belly and the chest. I then spoke to the movement of the belly as it rounded and flattened .

“You are so loved, so safe. Nothing to do. Just love.”

Moment by moment the family began to soften expectations. With each phrase I looked around the room and made eye contact with a family member and took a breath.

Encouraging family to lay hands on their loved one, I told Joan goodbye and thanked her for the opportunity to witness so much love.

As I stood up someone took my seat. The circle was complete.

Joan died while the neighbor was taking me home.

This experience stands as a model for me. It was me at my most honest. Afraid yet still finding my voice and trusting my intuition.

This is a story I need to remember for times when I edit my intuition and just keep hanging on.

Blessings and Peace

Irene Smith

www.everflowing.org

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” I have a large tumor growing very fast in my pelvis. This tumor is my friend. It needs more space now and I want to relax and give this friend all the space it needs.”

I had not seen Ted in 14 years . As the Everflowing intern and I walked into his room I exhaled slowly.

With Ted’s permission, the intern and I sat on either side of the bed.

“May I touch this friend gently and introduce myself ? ” I asked .

” Yes please do, Irene.” Ted replied.

I held the tumor occupying the entire left side of Ted’s pelvis, as tenderly as possible. As I placed my hands gently around it Ted leaned his head back and took a long slow breath with an audible exhale.

” That feels good. It feels right.” Ted explained.

” When I was first diagnosed I was angry. I was hateful and violent. I tried to kill my tumor.

The chemotherapy did not stop it from growing. Now it wants more space. It wants space in my lungs. I’m going to die by the end of the week.

I don’t want to die feeling guilty for my violence. I want my tumor to know how sorry I am. I just want to open to this dear friend who has taught me so much. I want to give it the space it needs to continue its teaching.”

My intern and I sat in awe; my hands tenderly embracing this dear tumor as quietly and reverently as possible.

Ted Continued. ” I’m so sorry for my violent behavior. I want my tumor to know that. I want to be friends. I am grateful for all the gifts my tumor has brought forth for me.”

As I listened I was led to ask Ted if he had spoken directly to his tumor? He thought a minute and said no he had not.

I asked if he would like to dialogue out loud as I touched this dear friend.

Ted seemed excited and somewhat relieved to have this option.

The dialogue was an integration of Ted’s cancer and his heart. He asked his tumor for forgiveness for trying to kill it and then he forgave himself.

He thanked his tumor for the teaching of surrender and spoke of how expanded and open he felt .

He offered love and friendship to this great teacher and in words and postures leaned back farther and gave this friend all the space it needed to grow and express itself.

I was led to also lay my hand on Ted’s heart. As I held the heart and this massive growth I could feel the forgiveness of two friends coming together as one, I felt the pathway for union. I was led to speak.

I felt the love as it filtered from the heart, filling the pelvis. I felt the tumor breathe and take in the love. I spoke of this.

The magnitude of hope that was experienced, I will cherish and hold sacred forever…

We all experienced tears as quiet, intimate expressions of joy. The joy of pure innocence.

Ted died five days later. I hear it was a death of pure peace. As Ted laid his head back, I am told, he smiled.

I am blessed to have witnessed this depth of compassion and to have spent another year in my chosen field. Another year of living with extraordinary hope. I am feeling deep gratitude.

Blessings Irene Smith

www.everflowing.org

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It was Halloween night when I first tried to post this. The spooks were up to tricks and it took a couple of days to publish. So here it is. In honor of the dead I post this song I wrote in 1995.

Deep in the forest there’s a circle of redwoods

with a ring of oak benches all in memory.

Each one is standing for a life somehow ended

and there in the center a bench waits for me.

One day while strolling through the forest unattended

I happened upon this magical place.

So now I do frequently visit my friends there

perform all my fantasies ,

and leave not a trace.

As I step to the stump they placed there for speaking

I gaze over the benches into faces I knew.

I’m always kindly greeted , dearly loved, and received there

and always applauded, no matter what I do.

When performance is over

we sing , dance, and laugh loud

and each one does kiss me

to show me how they care.

Then I’m left sitting in a ring of oak benches

with the wealth of my memories

and the times that we shared.

I encourage you to write a poem or song in remembrance of someone in your life who has died. Your memories are a treasure. Please share them with me.

Blessings Irene Smith

www.everflowing.org

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As hospice massage practitioners how do we measure the outcome of a session? Where are the guidelines for assessing our value during a session when the client is non-verbal and appears detached from the touching? Is an energetic or emotional connection to the touch necessary for a positive outcome?

Does our value with a client include supportive interaction with the caregivers onsite? If we are contracted for a specific amount of time how challenging is it to re-evaluate the session and what criteria do we use in the re-evaluation?

These are questions I ask myself frequently; however, I currently provide massage for a client who is especially bringing these questions to the forefront.

My client has advanced Parkinson’s Disease.

During the first few months of seeing this client the touch sessions elicited verbal gratitude at times, a calming of tremor activity at times, and modeled strategies for supportive touch that could be incorporated by the caregivers at the bedside.

As the disease has progressed the verbal gratitude has faded. For periods of time now, the touch elicits responses of deeper breathing, relaxed sighing, a circulation response of pinker skin, and at times a pleasurable response to the social interaction such as a validating smile. These have been measurable outcomes and clear signals that the sessions are beneficial.

Now with little eye contact, minimal verbal gratitude, and with sensitive skin conditions contraindicating major areas of the body, I am left to establish new criteria for evaluating the value of our sessions.

This has always been a challenge in hospice massage. I am however, usually capable of finding that place where I’m confident in my assessment of positive and negative non-verbal indicators for evaluating the comfort of the client in respect to the touch.

This time I’m left wondering.

When I walk into the client’s room and she is in a state of rest and quiet, although the eyes may be open, do I interface with the current meditative state and present touch? Is this contributing? Is the addition of touch valuable?

There are windows in our sessions where the body seems to expand to receive the touch, or the rhythm and tone that is being established through the touching. The window of discernable positive response by the body might be 15 minutes during an hour session.

The window may come at the beginning or in the middle of the session. How long do I wait for this window? Is a window needed? Or is it simply a given that the presence of touch during times of advanced illness and vulnerability is welcome?

In our last visit the window appeared towards the end of the session. It was as if the body inhaled the rhythm of the touching, and the response was deep relaxation. This lasted for about 15 minutes. My intuition suggested that I bring closure to the session when my client started to resurface by opening her eyes. Stuck in an expectation however, of what the time factor is supposed to look like I searched for another opening.

In the past when I have known a client had a history of wanting touch in his or her life before their illness I may assume that touch at the bedside, unless a negative response occurs, is a positive strategy. But what if a client has a history before their illness, of not wanting to be touched?

Sometimes staying within my professional integrity is all I have as a measurable outcome. It demands my constant attention. Did I follow my intuition? Was the comfort of my client the highest priority at all times? Was I honest in my actions? Am I listening with my heart as well as with my experience? Am I willing to say I don’t know? These are the questions that I am asking myself today.

I look forward to your sharing and comments.

Blessings,

Irene smith

www.everflowing.org

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A Lost Pause

Coming to the check out in the grocery store the checker says, ” paper or plastic.” It sounds like morse code. I ask him, ” what?” He states it again louder. I still think he’s speaking a foreign language. I again ask “what? ” This time the checker is really agitated and yells, ” paper or plastic.” I simply say, ” paper.” I am left in shock.

During my last Everflowing intensive one of the participants asked me why I was pausing after I, or someone else, spoke. This issue continued to be a point of discussion throughout the class. At times it became a joke. Guidelines of listening without verbal response, and allowing a pause for personal reflection after someone spoke, were continually misunderstood and uncomfortable for some participants.

Last weekend I was teaching and I paused to take a breath. A participant called out my previous sentence, thinking I had forgotten what I was saying.

Many times the first day or more of my courses is spent teaching the skill of listening to one’s self or, the pause, eye contact, and the concept of an exhale that does not have verbal information along with it.

The exhale seems to be considered a technique, and questions as to how and why to pause and exhale, are asked over and over again.

Personal reflection, listening to the texture of the body, and responding to the emotion of bonding all require us as practitioners to be quiet, breathe and listen to ourselves. This process also allows the person we are with, a moment[ the pause] to hear themselves in order to fully receive the action that has already been provided.

The pause is the space where trust deepens, this is the space where bonding takes place, the place of integration.

This is the empty space in a tea cup. The space that allows the cup to be filled. The empty space is in fact the most valuable space for without it there are no possibilities.

In a world where everyone has something in their ears, looking down at something else while performing a task that is totally unrelated to the previous two actions, humans have learned a digital form of being that has no organic relationship to human communication. There is simply no space to fully respond to the initial action.. The space is filled. Actions remain surface stimuli bouncing towards a target over and over and over, with no space in between.

The result seems to be agitation. More and more children as well as adults are being diagnosed with nervous disorders.

Human communication is about listening and interacting with the reflections of ourselves that come forward in the silence… in the pause.

The massage profession is reaching far and wide, taking its place in the world and seeing it’s potential.

We must, as the voices in this profession, remind, or actually teach practitioners that touch is not something we do to someone else. It’s an action that we involve ourselves in. Touch requires listening, and the willingness to recognize and respond to the bonding factor in the tactile relationship.

Bonding is the core element in the act and texture of tactile communication. It is a complex action, due to the emotional component, that requires space for trust, response, union, and then separation before moving on to the next touch, otherwise the result is confusion.

.No matter how unfashionable, the process of skillful touching requires [The Pause ]

Blessings

Irene Smith

www.everflowing.org

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